So much for the idea of saving the best for last: the nicest pair of boobs in Machete are seen within the first two minutes. In fact, it’s not just the boobs that are nice - it’s the whole (naked) lady. Though they’re a bit on the small side, the actress is like a younger, cuter Eva Mendes, so it makes up for it.
The next pair of boobs we see are that of Jessica Alba (or rather, a body double, probably), from a side view while she steams up in the shower. When you initially see them, you’ll get a flutter of “Oh my gawd! Jessica Alba’s boobs!” - because she’s notorious for never showing them, and even used a butt-double in her indie “The Sleeping Dictionary”. Then you realize they’re not hers. And there’s not even any nip. But still, it’s a nice scene, if you squint. But ONLY squint - if you blink, you’ll miss it.
Then, we are tricked once again. Not too give away too much of the plot, but Lindsay Lohan and the woman playing her mother end up in the backyard pool, naked. We see the mom’s boobs full on, and they’re okay - a 7 out of 10 - and Lindsay’s are still covered by water. Until Machete gets in. And then they replaced her with a body double! How do I know? Because the boobs were smaller, and had no freckles. FRECKLEGATE! Lame.
Anyway, later in the film, we actually do get to see Lindsay’s boobs, which are barely covered by her hair in the church scene. It’s not much, and anyway, I’ve seen them before. You can, too, here.
Unfortunately, Michelle Rodriguez- who I am usually not a fan of but was pretty smoking hot in this movie- did not show any boob. There’s a nice scene at the end where she romps around in a black bra and leather pants, but she’s barely pushing a B cup, so it was like, meh.
So, anyway, I hope you liked my review of Machete!