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Feb 14, 2010 10:49am
Dealbreaker: You wouldn’t let me play my boner jams on Valentine’s Day.
What do you mean, “can’t you put on something romantic?” This shit is romantic. This is a rock song that sounds like a silverback gorilla doing an interpretive dance about sex. The kind of sex that makes one feel bad the next day, because maybe that other person wasn’t that kinky normally and maybe you’ve got one of those weird hangovers where you don’t get a headache, but you feel guilty for drinking.
See, I know what you did… you just wrote it off as a noise rock album. But don’t you see? This album is basically the world’s best musical greeting card. Like those little ones that open up and play a little 5 second jingle, but this one one didn’t come from Hallmark. It came in a CD Jewel case. And a girl at the record store with a lot of safety pins in her jacket and a studded leather cuff helped me pick it out. Just look at that cover art! It’s practically a handmade valentine from a sociopath. There’s a big fucking, sloppy heart right there in the middle.
In fact, this album is about having a raging, sweaty relationship that: started with a drunken night out (Track 1: “Turn it Out”) turned into an exclusive relationship (Track 3: “Going Steady”), burned hot and fast for the whole month of February (Track 6: “Black History Month”) before hitting a wall (Track 8: “Cold War”). This prompts the guy in this relationship to state that he has needs dammit. Needs that need to be addressed. (Track 9: “You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine”) This leads to the eventual break up (Track 10: “Pull Out”). And finally, the epilogue (Track 11: “Sexy Results”) where the guy picks himself up and heads out. Back on the prowl! If you play the album on repeat, then about the third time through, you see he eventually realizes that he’s on this same cycle with every girl and finally decides to reconcile with his girlfriend so they start having lots of sex in his office.
And the last two minutes of the album are basically a cowbell solo, so if that doesn’t convince you that it’s a romantic album, I don’t know what wi… Hey! Where are you going?

Dealbreaker: You wouldn’t let me play my boner jams on Valentine’s Day.

What do you mean, “can’t you put on something romantic?” This shit is romantic. This is a rock song that sounds like a silverback gorilla doing an interpretive dance about sex. The kind of sex that makes one feel bad the next day, because maybe that other person wasn’t that kinky normally and maybe you’ve got one of those weird hangovers where you don’t get a headache, but you feel guilty for drinking.

See, I know what you did… you just wrote it off as a noise rock album. But don’t you see? This album is basically the world’s best musical greeting card. Like those little ones that open up and play a little 5 second jingle, but this one one didn’t come from Hallmark. It came in a CD Jewel case. And a girl at the record store with a lot of safety pins in her jacket and a studded leather cuff helped me pick it out. Just look at that cover art! It’s practically a handmade valentine from a sociopath. There’s a big fucking, sloppy heart right there in the middle.

In fact, this album is about having a raging, sweaty relationship that: started with a drunken night out (Track 1: “Turn it Out”) turned into an exclusive relationship (Track 3: “Going Steady”), burned hot and fast for the whole month of February (Track 6: “Black History Month”) before hitting a wall (Track 8: “Cold War”). This prompts the guy in this relationship to state that he has needs dammit. Needs that need to be addressed. (Track 9: “You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine”) This leads to the eventual break up (Track 10: “Pull Out”). And finally, the epilogue (Track 11: “Sexy Results”) where the guy picks himself up and heads out. Back on the prowl! If you play the album on repeat, then about the third time through, you see he eventually realizes that he’s on this same cycle with every girl and finally decides to reconcile with his girlfriend so they start having lots of sex in his office.

And the last two minutes of the album are basically a cowbell solo, so if that doesn’t convince you that it’s a romantic album, I don’t know what wi… Hey! Where are you going?

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